The Questionnaire

"I am not nearly as cynical as I’d like to be."

What are you doing these days?
Attempting to cause intellectual mayhem. Productive mayhem, of course. As a professional bioethicist and as a short story writer, one of my primary goals is to make people reexamine their most fundamental beliefs. If we lived in the best of all possible worlds, then every sane person would be a conservative. Since we do not yet live in the best of all possible worlds—in fact, my assessment is that we remain far from it—our circumstances call for radical ideas and unconventional thinking.

What turns you on creatively?
Great books by dead people. And I have a soft spot for authors who died eons ago. Tolstoy. Thackeray. George Eliot. Knowing that the emotions and truths that I am trying to capture on paper have fascinated thinkers and artists for generations, and will likely do so for many more, is simultaneously awe-inspiring and comforting.

If you were a mind-reader whose mind would you like to read?
I suspect that if mind-reading were possible—and it may indeed become so someday, as neuro-technology advances—I would decline the opportunity. I’m not sure that romantic love would be possible if a world where one could read minds, at least not with all of its impenetrable mysteries, and I wouldn’t be willing to risk the tradeoff.

If you could travel in time, which era would you visit?
I’d definitely stay put. Airplanes terrify me. Elevators make me nervous. So not even a private audience with Socrates—or a date with Helen of Troy, for that matter—could convince me to risk time travel. What if I got stuck in London during the Great Plague? Or accidentally ended up in Palaeozoic Era? These things are bound to happen.

What is your favorite sound?
I love the honking of migratory geese in the autumn sky. They’re an annual reminder that time is limited and that I had better use it wisely.

What is the album or song that influences you the most?
The Star Spangled Banner. It always reminds me of the Samuel Johnson quotation: “Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel.” I should emphasize that Johnson was not speaking of all patriotism, but false or ignorant patriotism. What better demonstration of that variety of false patriostim than standing up before a baseball game and singing an anthem for the War of 1812—and then rapidly replacing thoughts of sacrifice and liberty with atheltic cheers and beer purchases?

Who would you like to collaborate with? And why?
Princeton University philosopher Peter Singer. He remains the wisest and bravest thinker of our age. Even when I disagree with him, which I occasionally do, I am impressed with the rigor of his thought. I suppose I cling to the naïve belief that, if I worked with him, some of his genius would rub off. Someday, I’d also like to write a play as a vehicle for Lauren Marcus, who remains the most gifted actress I have ever seen on stage.

What drives you crazy?
The allure of intelligent women. One conversation with a brilliant woman and I’m on my way to the madhouse….

What makes you laugh?
The idea that Jesus Christ gave his life on the cross so that I personally could achieve eternal salvation. No matter how many times I hear it, it’s still hard to keep a straight face. I suppose it hurts him more than it hurts me.

If you had 3 wishes what would they be?
1. I’d eliminate all borders and let people migrate freely between countries.
2. I’d gather up all the world resources and redistribute them equally.
3. I’d transform all the planet’s weapons into valentines. Or possible sex toys.

What is the craziest thing you ever did?
I used to take the time to respond personally to anti-abortion activists who wrote me hate mail—to show them that, despite their preconceived notions, I am a kind and reasonable human being. Unfortunately, I discovered that some in the anti-abortion movement are impervious to these sorts of gestures.

What makes you feel embarrassed?
I make a point of not feeling embarrassed for myself. I feel deeply embarrassed for President Obama every time he says he favors “civil unions” but opposes gay marriage. Can you imagine what it must feel like to be the leader of the so-called Free World and still have to pretend to be a bigot?

What are your favorite web-sites (not including the ones that you are participate in)?
Nobody documents failure better than Literary Rejections on Display.

What is the silliest thing you have ever done?
Silly and bioethics don’t mix well.

How would you make the world a better place?
Instead of electing our representatives to Congress, I’d have them drawn by lot. Sort of like the Powerball.

What is your biggest weakness?
I am not nearly as cynical as I’d like to be.

Where will you be in 10 years?
I’d love to be serving on the President’s Council on Bioethics—or a similar advisory body. I doubt that will happen unless a leader far more liberal than President Obama is elected—or at least one far braver. Most likely, I will be where I am now: On the outside, looking in.

Write a question that you like to ask yourself and answer it.
I wish you had asked me to draw a picture of Muhammad.
Here is my best rendition with a computer keyboard:
O
/|\
/ \
When do I get my own personal fatwa?

Who would you like to answer that Questionnaire?
I think it would be great if a leading news or cultural organization, or even an individual blogger, asked prominent literary, artistic and intellectual figures to draw their own versions of Muhammad in the name of free speech and expression—and to see how many dared do so. Maybe this should be included in your Questionnaire.

Associations
Love – Often
Death – Rarely
God – Never

Jacob M. Appel is an American author, bioethicist, and playwright.

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