The Questionnaire

"One summer, on vacation, I spent a day making my wife and kids laugh by pretending to speak a language of 'gibberish.'"

What are you doing these days?
I’m doing my job, which is basically “getting the next job.” My vocation description is dependent on the moment: I’m a ventriloquist. I’m a writer. I’m a comedian. I’m a musician. I’m any of the above. Maybe I’m just schizophrenic? My book, “The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Ventriloquism” will be available in stores and online as of Tuesday, May 4, 2010. I have a couple of TV projects in the works (who doesn’t?), neither of which I can talk about, and I’m doing the usual personal appearances all over the country. I’m lucky. I’ve always had work. OUCH! I just felt the arrow of bad karma hit me in the back…

What turns you on creatively?
Listening to music and reading something worthwhile always spurs me a little bit. But in a broader sense, I’ve learned to enjoy the process of creativity – and for some reason that is exciting. So if I’m writing a joke or a script or learning a musical piece or whatever, I really dig into the workings of the craft, and that opens doors and turns on the lights in the dusty attic of my brain. Sometimes I enjoy the creativity more than the performance. By the time stuff gets to the stage or on video or on an mp3, it’s a skeleton – I’ve carved away all the fat and all that’s left is a honed piece of entertainment or information, and the real fun is over. Then again, a cheeseburger with fries can do the trick. And maybe the biggest creative juicer is a deadline hanging over my head. With the promise of a big paycheck.

If you were a mind-reader whose mind would you like to read?
This list could take forever. Stephen Hawking, obviously. Steve Martin. Stevie Wonder (I promise it won’t be all “Steves”). Douglas Coupland. Oprah – she is pure genius, you know. I like these people who can have two or three disparate trains of thought going on in their heads at the same time, and still function normally. HOW DO THEY DO IT?

If you could travel in time, which era would you visit?
Europe, including London, in the 1770’s. The USA in the mid-1800’s. I’d love to have been alive in the 1950s, too… such an incredible time to be alive.

What is your favorite sound?
Kawai RX-3 Grand Piano, tuned, with the keyboard action very loose

What is the album or song that influences you the most?
This changes all the time. Currently it’s Charlie Haden, “The Art of The Song.”

Who would you like to collaborate with? And why?
Randy Newman – he combines humor and music in such brilliant ways. So does Ben Folds, but completely opposite of Newman. Sondheim, because he’s always got his finger on the pulse. Cameron Crowe for the same reason. The cast of Sesame Street – 40 years later and they’re still cutting edge in their genre. I would have loved to work with George Clinton, the P-Funk mastermind… take me to the mothership! This is another list I could go on forever with… but a dream would be to collaborate with my sons. My oldest is 19 and just wrote a score for cello and violin for a production of The Blood Wedding, the Frederico Lorca drama. My kids are totally engaged with art. I hope to work with Paul Seaburn, the comedy writer, again. We had a kid’s show called “Taylor’s Attic,” and he was absolutely brilliant.

What drives you crazy?
I still make really dumb mistakes. I can’t get past my own ego and hang-ups STILL. When am I gonna grow up?

What makes you laugh?
My dumb mistakes. I laugh out loud at “Golden Girls” re-runs – there are some great jokes on that show. Aaron Neville’s vocals sometimes make me laugh, I don’t know why. Our two dogs, Beanie and LuLu (sounds like a sitcom waiting to happen!) make me laugh all the time. I laugh during “The Office.” I laugh a lot with one of the postal workers at our local post office. Actually, I laugh at a lot of stuff… sometimes everything seems really funny.

If you had 3 wishes what would they be?
1. There wasn’t any such thing as cancer. 2. People, as a whole, would realize that hard drug use is really evil and ignorant. 3. My nose hair would stop growing and spreading so quickly.

What is the craziest thing you ever did?
I auditioned at The Second City Theater in Chicago to be a “musical director.” I had never done any theatrical music of any kind in my life, much less worked in comedy. I had no right sitting at the piano and trying out. It was crazy, but I got away with it, and I’ve never looked back.

What makes you feel embarrassed?
I’m really bad at irony (I even had to plan writing that), which is embarrassing for someone who makes a living in comedy. And I’m always embarrassed when I have to explain to people what I do for a living – it doesn’t fit, it’s not easy to explain, and I always feel embarrassed.

What are your favorite web-sites (not including the ones that you are participate in)?
Another question where the list could go on forever. Here are five I hit regularly:
www.comicstriparchive.com (always something funny)
www.littlestevensundergroundgarage.com (the hippest!)
www.veryshortlist.com (I’m a big Kurt Andersen fan)
www.weather.com (I travel A LOT)
www.zippythepinhead.com (long live Dingburg!)

What is the silliest thing you have ever done?
One summer, on vacation, I spent a day making my wife and kids laugh by pretending to speak a language of “gibberish.” Wherever we went – restaurants, stores, taxis – I pretended to speak very bad English and my native tongue was indecipherable. It angered shopowners and tourists – they couldn’t figure out what my nationality was – but it was worth the laughs from the wife and kids.

How would you make the world a better place?
Again, I could spend 10 pages on this question. But how about this: get rid of pornography. All porn is child porn, no matter how you view it. Would modern life suffer if we didn’t have porn? No. Would modern life improve if we didn’t have porn? Yes: it’s a proven fact porn leads some people to rape, child molestation, violence toward women, etc, etc, etc. Why not just make it REALLY HARD to get, and eliminate some problems? Obviously the answer is (like drug use), “Because we love it, we use it all the time, and people make lots of money from it!” Oh.

What is your biggest weakness?
I’m not much of a friend. My “friends” are the people I work with, and my family is basically my wife and kids. There just isn’t time to cultivate any relationships of lasting importance. It’s not something I’m proud of, and if I were more organized and committed to it, I’d have more friends.

Where will you be in 10 years?
I’ll be at a supermarket in Stevens Point, Wisconsin.

Write a question that you like to ask yourself and answer it.
Q: Taylor, why are dictionaries getting so expensive?
A: Because all dictionaries are High-Definition!

Who would you like to answer that Questionnaire?
God; Massachusetts politician Scott Brown; comedian Michael Jr.; comedian/actress Kerri Pomarelli; songwriter Steve Forbert.

Associations
Love -- my wife
Death -- is life!
God -- Faith, Hope and Love
TV -- Old-fashioned
Family -- Happification!
Politics -- untrustworthy
Internet -- marketing
Happiness -- my family
Comedy -- my job
Taylor Mason -- can’t be put in a box

Taylor Mason is a ventriloquist, comedian, musician, and author. His book The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Ventriloquism will be available in stores and online on May 4th, 2010.

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